


What I Do Best Isn't Very Nice

by roslindi



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: M/M, Superheroes, Supervillains
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-06-02
Updated: 2012-06-02
Packaged: 2017-11-06 16:48:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,461
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/421109
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/roslindi/pseuds/roslindi
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jensen is feeling pretty morose, because now that he has his utopia of evil and has had a steady rule over it for a few years, life is kind of...boring. (Jared is a superhero. Jensen is a supervillian.)</p>
            </blockquote>





	What I Do Best Isn't Very Nice

**Author's Note:**

> _Wolverine: I'm the best there is at what I do. But what I do best isn't very nice._
> 
>  
> 
>  
> 
> Written for classiczeppelin at my livejournal.

There are not enough titanium-lined, climbing-proof snake pits of doom _in the world_ to make this worth Jensen's headache.

He's skyping with some minor supervillian from one of the fly-over states because he's Jensen's assigned Little Villian in the Big Villian-Little Villian program. Because Jensen is a total pushover for Shark Lady Samantha, and when she had demanded he get involved in her pet project he couldn't refuse.

"No, listen, Jake. That's very creative and evil, but it's just not feasible. You can't just conjure up giant meteors, they have to already be there for you to use. Now, if you wanted to do something to the moon to cause a cataclysmic event that originates from space..."

Jake pouts. "I don't want to destroy the moon. I want to destroy the world."

Jensen sighs and rubs the bridge of his nose. "Okay, I'm going to send you a couple of books on how tides work and the effects of massive climate change. In the mean time, just work on getting your city in order."

Jake snorts. "Follow your own advice, man."

"Excuse me?" Jensen says, raising an eyebrow in a way that will surely strike terror into the heart of this puny villian, even though his side of the skype connection is a little grainy from the anti-matter ray interference.

Jake does indeed look nervous, but he says, "I heard there's a new hero in your city, and that he's good. Anyway, have a horrifically evil day, bye!" And then the coward disconnects before Jensen can protest or make smartly worded death threats.

Jensen sends a virus to destroy Jake's computer and gives a $100,000 donation to the local chapter of the SPCA in Jake's name before having a minion drop off a package with no less than four books on the impact of the moon on the Earth's biorhythms and the possible disastrous effects of their disruption.

\--

The thing is, there's a new superhero in town. And Jensen has not yet crushed him like the worm he, as a superhero, is.

Jared is just so... _nice_.

Like, last month Jensen left Jared locked inside a death chamber with two Hell Hounds. 'Hell Hounds' being the technical name Jensen gave the laboratory-created scorpion/boxer dog hybrids Jensen had bred specifically to kill superheros.

And yet, when Jensen had returned from his doctor's appointment (what, just because he's evil doesn't mean he can't get sick) Jared had the two Hell Hounds rolling around on the floor as he scratched their bellies and crooned what 'sweet puppies they are.' Then _he named them and took them with him_ when he escaped Jensen's lair. He even emailed Jensen pictures of them with little bows around their necks and a note not to worry about them, because he's making sure they're eating right and they really like their spacious new backyard. Which, yeah, had been a concern for Jensen because rocky cave-lairs are not the ideal place for two young, big Hell Hounds to run around and play, but it's pretty galling how Jared just knew that.

Anyway, Jared hasn't really been a problem, exactly. It's just that he exists. Jensen is a well-established and properly feared supervillian. He makes do-gooders cry and cats respect him. He's been asked to lecture on the duality of human nature, and why evil always reign supreme, at world renowned universities. He's been on the cover of Evil Quarterly. And Jared just came into Jensen's city like it was no big deal and the city was big enough for the both them to coexist.

Yeah, no. Jensen usually smacks down upstart wannabe heroes like he's the hammer of Thor the second they look twice at his city.

But not Jared.

\--

Things come to a head about four months after Jared moved to Jensen's city.

Jensen is feeling pretty morose, because now that he has his utopia of evil and has had a steady rule over it for a few years, life is kind of...boring. Running a state wide, some would even say nation wide, nexus of evil and haute couture shopping is not as exciting as he thought it would be (except during Fashion Week, which is _always_ a shit show).

Even remodeling his cave and sending minions out on impossible tasks just to see them cry has become boring.

This is when he decides to blast a hole through the moon.

\--

It's the perfect, most evil plan ever. Jensen has the missiles, and the calculus skills to figure out where to send them. All he needs is some publicity, because what's the point of being evil if no one notices? And people are going to notice this feat of villianary skill because Jensen is throwing a party. The Party. The one that will be known as The Party of the Year.

The caterer had a nervous breakdown when he called them personally to demand their services the day before. Once that was taken care of, he had done a hostile takeover of all the cable channels of the people he wanted to attend to issue them a video invitation. Then he had glued streamers to the missiles. It's a party, after all.

And now the guests are here and the food is excellent and the music is actually pretty crappy (he will be dangling the DJ over a pit of snakes once this is over for daring to play Chris Brown at Jensen's party) but the guests seem to be enjoying it and even Dangereel showed up despite their on-again off-again status currently being 'off'.

It's almost time to launch the missiles when a minion taps him on the shoulder and tells him discretely that The Moose of Vengeance has been apprehended.

Jensen smirks. "I better go make an evil speech, then."

But when Jensen sweeps into the pre-death chamber Jared is being held in and casts an imperious look at him, Jared seems unconcerned. Actually, he seems _pleased_.

Jared beams up at him from the power-sapping chair. "Oh hey, Jensen! Nice place you have here. I didn't realize you were having a party, I just came here to drop this off." Jared thrusts a box at him.

It's rectangular, and wrapped. In wrapping paper. That is pink. That has little ducks printed on it. And there is a ribbon.

Jensen doesn't know how to handle this. But obviously, this is a ploy to disrupt the imminent destruction of the moon (and consequently, the world), so Jensen decides to just go ahead with the taunting he came here to do.

"You thought you could distract me with cutely wrapped boxes, did you?" He says.

Jared looks puzzled. "Um, no. I came here to give you your birthday present."

That surprises Jensen. "My birthday present," he repeats.

Jared smiles uncertainly. "Yeah, I read your profile in Evil Quarterly last year, and it said today is your birthday." He bites his lip in a way that is completely not-endearing whatsoever. "It is, isn't it? I mean, you're having a party, so..."

Jensen blinks, tries to remember the date, and yes. It is his birthday. And Jared was the only person, including Jensen, to remember.

"Oh. Thank you." Jensen says, because evil does not equal impolite, and his mama raised him evil.

The beam returns. "You're very welcome, Jensen!"

"So," Jensen says, suddenly awkward. "You just came here to drop this off?"

Jared nods, "Yeah. And to say, well, 'happy birthday.' And here," he reaches into his coat pocket and pulls out a slightly crumpled piece of paper. "The dogs sent this."

It's a handmade card with 'We woof you' written in crayon on the cover and 'Happy Birthday, Jensen!' on the inside, with two paws prints drawn under the sentiment. The paw prints are labeled 'Harley' and 'Sadie.'

Jensen may yet die of feelings. He holds the card carefully, smoothing out the crumpled corners, and when he looks up Jared is staring at him.

Jared bites his lip for a second, and then asks, "Would you go out, with me? Sometime, later maybe, on a date?" He looks all earnest and hopeful and Jensen kind of wants to tie Jared up and send him down a conveyer belt towards inevitable death for making him feel so...so... _happy_. But mostly he wants to keep feeling this way, so instead he grins at Jared.

"How about now?"

\--

It turns out that Jared replaced the missiles with what were reportedly some rather spectacular fireworks before the minions had noticed him in Jensen's lair. Since Jensen was missing from the party, he manages to preserve his dignity by passing the whole thing off as an elaborate prank.

He'll destroy the moon later. Right now, he's happy just to be near Jared.


End file.
